What annoys you most?

I was reading the day’s paper the title “I don’t like being called paatti (grandma)” struck a chord in me! It was an interview by an actress and when the reporter asked the above question she replied “I don’t like being called paatti. When someone calls me paatti I know I am an aged person but you don’t have to call me paatti. I associate this word to being ‘useless’.”

 This is the statement by 80 year old Ms. Subbulakshmi who is centre figure in a film in progress named ‘Ammani’. She was indeed venting out the sentiments of many elderly women!

But in no shop the elderly gentlemen are called thatha; it is always the respectful ‘sir’. The underlying fact is that in the Indian male chauvinistic society, the man wields various self imposed powers, including the economic one, and no one dares to antagonise him while these dependent elderly women are right royally bullied around !

When the grandchildren call a person as paatti, it is indeed a word of great affection but when all and sundry use it the hurt is beyond words.

A friend of mine in medical field narrated the following incident in her place of work. An emergency situation arose in her hospital when a nurse addressed a high BP patient as ‘paatti’ thinking that she was patronising her. But this angered so much that she jumped from her bed along with the IV stand and started abusing the nurse. Instantly she collapsed and fell down unconscious. She had to be rushed to the emergency ward and luckily for the hospital she survived. That very day there was an unscheduled emergency meeting at the hospital wherein the management impressed upon the staff to address all the women patients as ‘madam’ irrespective of their age.

The next one is a similar incident on a busy hour in a big textile show room. A lady entered the shop with full enthusiasm in anticipation of a great shopping. A sales man around fifty accosted her saying “come in paattimma.” The lady was disturbed by this salutation. To add fire to the fuel he was showing her a few saris with disinterest. And when she asked him to bring out the saris from a certain shelf he commented “This will not suit to you paattimma……these are meant for youngsters.” And that was the last straw! The lady burst out.

“My eldest grand child is just 16 and why should you... why should you..... A 50 year old man call me a paattimma?” she was ferocious “You call the ladies with dyed hair very respectfully as madam while I am disrespectfully addressed not just as paatti but paattimma? Am I your paatti’s mother? And who are you decide what I should wear? Do you know that I have come today to give you big business but you are the loser?” Thoroughly irritated she huffed out of the shop and any amount of pacification proved unsuccessful. And a beautiful day turned into a horror story for the lady!

 Some sales staff makes a repetitive use of the word ‘paattimma’ to annoy the customer since they think that they are not usually profitable customers and can be bullied at will!  And like Subbulakshmi feels “patties are useless condemned lot.”

That ‘aging word’ puts people off!

“Not dyeing my hair black is my right but that does not grant you the right to call me paattimma!

But there is a great effort in the market to attract this growing older population. Charming advertisements ensnare the elderly since they hold the money power to call shots! With no commitments to the family the twosome fulfil all their innate desires for luxurious living and equally luxurious health services. But certain little fools in big malls have the audacity to hurt their sentiments and thus make them avoid those shops.

There is a generic beautiful word in Tamil which can be affectionately used from the new born girl child to the bed ridden old lady without compunction. And that beautiful expression is ‘amma’ which denotes ‘mother’, an embodiment of love and affection and all that is best in the world! There is a lot of difference when you say to a lady “paatti….. Be careful of the steps “and “amma…. mind your steps! “The first one indicates “Don’t fall down and becomes a burden to the family while the second one implies concern!” In north India it’s either ‘didiji’ or ‘bahenji’ or ‘maaji’ but never ever  ‘naniji’! These words carry with them lot of respect and kindness.

The English people call you just by your name irrespective of the age. It might be a shock to us Indians at the first instance but on second thought it makes us proud of our individuality.  And hence when we talk in English we call the foreigners by their name without any qualm but beckon our own Indians in their midst as ‘madam ‘or ‘sir’.  

Let us not put down the elderly especially the ladies with ill- chosen words or crack jokes with an inappropriate sense of humour.

Shaking Hands With the Queen

It was 1961. I was doing my second year BA and the ancillary was political science. Our lecturer for the subject was nick named as ‘rain man’. He never gave lectures from the big old podium of our big old college! (Which even boasted of hand operated pankas inclusive of pankawallas in the place of electric fans!) Instead he would descend down closer to the level of the students.  With plenty of hand swaying and abundant facial expressions combined with his ‘copious saliva rain’ he made sure that the students were ever in a state of mindfulness during his hour! The ordinary political events of the world was converted into emotional experiences by this magician!!

“The front seats are also for you dear students.” He would declare innocently unaware that it was left free on purpose!

The January session was on the unwritten constitution of England.  This man being a loyal royalist competing with the faithful zealots in the Queen’s own country elaborated about the head of the state.

“She went as a princess inside the tree house in the African country of Uganda for a holiday and came out as the queen of England “he said, with no  inkling of remorse at the demise of poor king George VI her father, which enabled her to become Queen Elizabeth II in 1953!

“The king is dead long live the king” he would affirm proudly eulogising the continuity of the head of the state in the country of England.

“An unwritten constitution…….! What a marvel………! Do give an example of our politicians who had read our Indian constitution, the largest in the world and adhere even to the few written rules.” He would challenge us.

“And do you know that the head of that marvellous country with an unwritten constitution is making a visit to our country the next month which includes a peek into Madras too? “He ecstatically exclaimed!

We were right royally got caught in the fervency of that man and wanted see Queen. And the urge to see her was sown.

We guessed that he might be travelling to Madras to have  ‘Queen dharshan’  . His enthusiasm was indeed contagious! We too drew a plan! We were just 9 girls in our class of 50 odd. And of them three had their relatives in Madras and I was one among the lucky ones with my married elder sister in place.

Then started the big process of convincing the parents to allow us to proceed to Madras. Those were the days of strict regimen when girls were forbidden from travelling alone even within the town. Even within our college the routine for ladies was to stand outside the class every hour and go in only after the lecturer entered the class and leave the class before him!

My parents’ first reaction to this ‘Queen dharshan’ was a natural emphatic ‘no’. I tried my best to convince them that my political studies involved the Queen too.  Had they been illiterate I could have created many more fancy stories, but they were not.

“Are the boys from your class going?”

“No… no……. it’s just us three girls…”

“Have their parents given them permission?”

“Yes very much….” I didn’t want to tell them that the other two girls were also sailing in the same boat!

“How will you three travel alone?”

“We will travel by the ladies compartment and send telegrams to receive us at the station and we can send one to sister.”

“So everything is planned and our consent is just a formality… isn’t it?”

“No never amma … if you are not allowing me to go ……..”

It was just a whine…….. And it did the trick!

The train was indeed a spectacle to watch. The inside was bulging out like an extra fat Japanese Sumo wrestler and on the outside was a miraculous hanging human vine without any hold and the top of the train was converted to a double decker!

“How crazy people are?” We three commented after finding our inch of a space in the ladies compartment, segregating ourselves apart from the mad crowd! It was an all-night vigil by the ‘royalty starved’ beings of India to honour of the monarchy!

I saw her  at Anna flyover and then near Egmore children’s hospital  and was lucky enough to see her at close quarters at the secretariat thanks to a friend of my brother in law who was a driver to a minister. With her gloved hands and the ornate hat she looked like a fairy and I came back to my town fulfilled and satiated!!

My exhilaration equalled that of my professor and my siblings were awestruck by my description of the Queen and Madras as a whole.

“You have spent so much of your father’s money and gone to the far away Madras. Did you shake hand with the queen?”

It was like a bolt from the blue! It was the grand old Selli akka who was sweeping the floor. This query pushed my elation to dust! I lost face and stopped talking.

My teenage exuberance was not there anymore. The ground reality that she was also a human like any of us dawned inside. Philosophic views of life had settled in what with a family and a new business in place.

But the  royalty didn’t want to leave me alone. This time it was the other way round. 

It was the year 1997 when Queen Elizabeth II made her second visit to India and to Madras too! One day my hubby called me through the intercom to come to his office room ( I was working in the same office).

The usual implication was some administrative problem. As I entered with my fingers crossed his smiling face augured some good tiding.

“Read this. “He said handing me a card. It was from the British High Commission. It was an invitation. The content indeed boggled me! It said that her majesty the Queen would be happy to meet us both during her visit to Madras! A successful joint venture with MTL UK had indeed brought us this windfall. We were the CIPs (commercially important people) for the Queen in her Commonwealth.

On that day after the embassy protocol was over we were the ones to shake her gloved hand. She listened carefully to my husband regarding our joint venture and with another hand shake wished us all success.

At that moment I wanted to cry out loud to the good old lady who put to me to shame in front of my siblings!

Instead I shouted within “Hey dear old Selly akka in whichever world you are, I want to tell you today  I have shaken hands with the queen!”

All these thoughts were triggered as I was sitting the huge Norwich library on the 9th of September 2015 reading the Times which proclaimed that Queen Elizabeth II was longest ruling British monarch exceeding Queen Victoria and Elizabeth I. She had indeed ruled the country for 63 years and 232 days beating Queen Victoria who ruled for 63 years and 216 days. At 89 she continues to hold fort and I wish her all the best, still wondering at the little moments she touched our lives!