Those were the good
old days when the word 'beauty parlour'
was absent in the dictionary and Thesaurus
of Indian minds and friends and
neighbours chipped in whenever there was a necessity to deck up a girl! On that
auspicious day when the bride-viewing was happening to one of our friends, we
were present in her house in full strength to display our enviable background.
As we entered the house it was her grandma who
accorded us a very cautious welcome. "Girls please stick to your
place inside the room and never ever
step into the hall on any pretext lest the bridegroom tends to choose one of
you." She indeed tried to hide the
intensity of her admonition with her smiling face. We dropped our idea like hot coal to
accompany the would-be the bride to the viewing point. Experience should have
taught that grand lady some good life lessons!
The groom's party was
satisfied with the family and the girl but for a single condition. “It is your choice that you
allowed your daughter to work but we don't want that to happen when she gets
married and come to our house. We want an educated girl to manage the children
well and our prestige would be hurt if we send her out to earn." However,
wounding the statement was to the bride's side it was humbly accepted of course
without waiting for any consent from the girl.
The same thing
happened to me when I had to resign my government job in the Ladies college at
Kumbakonam. But it was circumstances that made me give up my job. My would be husband
was working at Rajahmundry and I moved along.
The society thoroughly approved it!
The case with my
another friend was entirely different.
The instant her wedding invitation reached the hands of the nuns who
were running the school she had to put in her papers too! I still wonder
whether the nuns did it out of reverence for the sanctity of
marriage that made them have this unwritten constitutional rule or was it their
selfish motive that the school should
run smoothly without any headache of a married woman which means pregnancy,
childbirth, long absence from work and plenty of short ones whenever there was a problem. The
nuns were sure of their Bible words
"No man (woman in this context) can
serve two masters". This created a situation in the school wherein the
staunch spinsters along with the nuns ruled the roost while the rest of the lot
was considered as flotsam and jetsam and treated as such.
In due course the
group of women who had to resign their job with marriage became a minority
" If a man can continue to work after his marriage why not a woman? If
people in the government jobs continued in the service after their marriage why
not them? There was no government ruling
which said that they have to resign the job once they get married." was
their defiant attitude. They fought with the school authorities and regained
their lost posts. This insolent group included my dear friend too. The dispensable
human resource metamorphosed into a powerhouse.
But my friend's
slavery continued in other ways. The household chores combined with the regular
job became a double whammy for her and whenever there was a complaint from the
wife about her joint family existence, the noncooperation from various members
of the clan and the casual reply from her husband was " You know about my
family. I have explained my situation as soon as we got married. But it is you
who insisted on working. I didn't compel you to go for a job. It is your choice
and now you have to grin and bear it and even today you are welcome to give it
up." This off-hand reply hurt her self-esteem of which the man never
bothered. The rest of the family too treated her primarily as a duty-bound
housewife.
The sinister sisters-in-law
never lost a chance to put her down. Her mother in law in her prestige never
acknowledged her as a breadwinner like the sons, in spite of the fact that her
whole salary went into the common kitty!
She grumbled when she had to manage the child for a few minutes if the
maid was late. "What sort of mother is she? Never caring for her own. But
she does she ever forget to deck up every morning and with her handbag hanging
on the shoulder makes a show of herself in the street." In spite of the
abuses conservatism and the jealousy, the daring heroic woman of the era
persisted and pulled along!
And lo behold it was
the IT industry which created a revolution jolting the social system
topsy-turvy! The implied superiority of men and their male chauvinism went down
the drain and women literally broke the glass ceiling which had suffocated them
for eons in varied forms. They were hurt, humiliated, laughed at, but were
determined that the sky only could be their only limit! The equally high pay
packet had given them economic independence and with it came the accompanying
change in the male attitude. The paradigm shift was happening!
The time had come for
my friend to look out for a bride for her only son. The girl was from a known family where
goodness and Godliness was the treasure trove valued more than material riches.
The girl from there was a boon from heaven.
For her part, my friend made sure that the girl went to her job with a
happy heart. Happiness overflowed in abundance in that joint family till the
day the girl was called upon to take a better position in a foreign land. None
in the family had the audacity to ask her to stay back, nor did the girl oblige
them by asking their opinions about her placement. Would her male chauvinist
husband of yesteryear ever have consented for such a situation? But the girl right royally took it
as her birthright. Settling down
comfortably in her new job in a new place she was clever enough to obtain a
good position for her husband too!
My friend was
ferocious over the phone. " That girl took away my son, my only son, from
me. What comfort did she lack in India
that she had to go to a foreign land?
she had everything she wanted at the beck and call ... she had all the
love and affection. The dominating girl had pulled away from my only son. It
should have been her plan all through." She was in tears.
"But you can
always go visit them." I tried to console her. My statement made her even
angrier.
"Look at the
audacity of the girl to throw crumbs at us...... I don't want the visiting
right to my son. I want him...... I want him and I want him. I want my son to
stay "
I cannot argue with
this possessive lady. She is just like her mother in law who ill-treated her
and abused her just because she worked. But my friend a revolutionary during
her prime could not comprehend the phenomenal change and understand that her perceptions
has to transform itself to adjust to the new era. I am sure that she would be
thankful for small mercies when she observes how many modern high tech families
are getting destroyed by the obnoxious ego between the partners and of course
their ill-conceived love of possessive parents.
Believing in the
comprehensive goodness in that family, I will definitely wait for her next call
when she would be happily announcing about their impending visit to her son's
place.
Time has its own healing
power.